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-James

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dirty hands

Posted by james on July 9, 2003

It's been a while since I've written... partly that's because I've been homeless/carless/computer and internet-less. It's disconcerting.

Right now on my arms there's a visible line where I've cleaned off the grease and dirt. I've been working on my car, taking out the old radiator and putting in a new one. I've never done this before, so naturally it worked fine and I had it done in 20 minutes, half of which was spent drinking ice tea.

Well... while I did drink ice tea for 10 minutes, the rest of the 10 hour repair was spent outside, lying in the dirt, trying to budge screws and bolts out of their natural position of being stuck. It was frustrating, and took way longer than it should have. I wish I'd had the right tools, or even a few pointers on how things were supposed to work (not a sterile never-been-tried-in-real-life instruction book), but in the end... I feel fulfilled. I love that I did it (Can't say finished... there's still tomorrow to see if it works). The experience, the learning. Knowing I can (pending tomorrow). It's just a good feeling. Except for the crease in my right hand...

So it's good to get my hands dirty again. Even if it is with car grease and sweat instead of foreign dust and clay. It may not put food on someone's plate, but it's nice to know I did it. Now without help, but still.

And how about this summer, eh?

Dumples

Posted by james on June 18, 2003

Everybody... labee do wee dah... everybody... labee do wee dah...

Answers sold here, a quarter a piece

Posted by james on May 31, 2003

I feel like I'm in the place I always hate, the place where I always know the answer. It's not that I wouldn't like knowing all the answers (that might be handy sometimes), but I believe it's something I can't attain. So when I find myself trying to dole out answers, I'm on shaky ground.

I have this very strong fear of being wrong. At least, I think I do. It's actually pretty hard to tell, looking at it from the inside. But before it used to prevent me from ever voicing my opinions on things. Now, I've found out how to believe in my own opinions and share them with other people. But I think somewhere in the process, I forgot how to say "I don't know." Because I really don't. I may have insight, may be able to think in different ways. But I can't peer into anyone's soul and so I never know for sure. But I can't give up sharing what I feel.

So I'm left trying to find a balance between hiding my light under a basket (basically, letting whatever talents and abilities I may have go to waste) and becoming arrogant (believing that somehow I am special, important, and I know what other people can't). I'm also starting to think my definition of arrogance may need some revision...


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