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-James

Back from the DR

Posted by james on June 22, 2002

I got back last weekend from my second Dominican Republic trip. I stayed twice as long as I originally intended, for 4 weeks total.

Being there is amazing, and after even such a short time I know I've seen so many things, and so many experiences are stuck inside of me. I can't yet express them all or even remember and comprehend everything that happened. But I do feel that some things have changed. I don't know what... my outlook on life, my motivation for doing things, feeling a sense of purpose. But it has, and it's a strange feeling.

Coming back home has been hard. "Re-entry" is always talked about, but feeling it first hand is different and confusing. There is a sense of loneliness and awkwardness at first, and it is slowly fading. But more than anything, it's hard to determine the reasons why these feelings exist, and it's hard to express them. All in time, but for now I'm left with part of me wishing I was there in the Dominican Republic, and the other part trying to fit into my old life here. And in the middle is confusion and a little isolation.

Songs

Posted by james on April 21, 2002

Cause it ryhmes or cause it's true?

wind, clouds, a touch of sadness

Posted by james on April 9, 2002

Sophomore year I used to work part time, in addition to being a full time student. It was hard but neccessary, and as it worked out it was one of the best things for me. Every morning I would wake up early, drive myself to school, and go to classes all day. When I was done I would drive over to work after an hour's break in the day and work for another 5 to 7 hours. Then I would head home from work, late since there was always more work to be done, and arrive home to find a dark house with everyone already asleep. Every night I would come home from this long day, and get out of my car right by the garage. And every night I would look up and see so many stars out. It was such a moment, seeing all the stars, feeling the wind all around me, and knowing that all I had had to do that day was over. It's indescribable, uncapturable. No picture can capture the wind, no one hearing will understand what it's like to stand there. I would always wish that someone else was there to see this amazing thing with me, that just once someone else could appreciate it. But I knew another thing; that it was only ever meant for one person.

It's like the time I was driving away from a friend's house in newport. I drove up to an intersection, and in the distance almost touching the tops of the buildings and trees was an extraordingary crimson moon. It looked like it had been washed with blood, and was so out of place, so low to the ground that it was eerily amazing. I realized at that moment that it couldn't be captured with a camera, and there was no way for me to show it to anyone or tell anyone about it. It was meant only for me, in that moment.

It's a hard thing, to see something so beautiful and not be able to share it. I long to know that someone else was looking outside at that very moment, realizing what was going on around them and appreciating it like I was. Just knowing someone else was in that moment would make it seem... less lonely. But as much as it's a good thing to wish for, it's not something that can be forced. Hope springs eternal, and I'm always optimistic that one day I'll be there with someone, able to say to them all I have here. Except they will be seeing it in the sky as I talk, and know in their heart what they're hearing with their ears. Someday it will happen, and it's one of those things I believe for no reason at all, but couldn't lose faith in if I tried.

Tonight was orange-tinted clouds rushing past a church steeple, with stars peeking out between them and wind brushing the tops of the highest trees.