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Posted by james on April 21, 2002

Cause it ryhmes or cause it's true?

wind, clouds, a touch of sadness

Posted by james on April 9, 2002

Sophomore year I used to work part time, in addition to being a full time student. It was hard but neccessary, and as it worked out it was one of the best things for me. Every morning I would wake up early, drive myself to school, and go to classes all day. When I was done I would drive over to work after an hour's break in the day and work for another 5 to 7 hours. Then I would head home from work, late since there was always more work to be done, and arrive home to find a dark house with everyone already asleep. Every night I would come home from this long day, and get out of my car right by the garage. And every night I would look up and see so many stars out. It was such a moment, seeing all the stars, feeling the wind all around me, and knowing that all I had had to do that day was over. It's indescribable, uncapturable. No picture can capture the wind, no one hearing will understand what it's like to stand there. I would always wish that someone else was there to see this amazing thing with me, that just once someone else could appreciate it. But I knew another thing; that it was only ever meant for one person.

It's like the time I was driving away from a friend's house in newport. I drove up to an intersection, and in the distance almost touching the tops of the buildings and trees was an extraordingary crimson moon. It looked like it had been washed with blood, and was so out of place, so low to the ground that it was eerily amazing. I realized at that moment that it couldn't be captured with a camera, and there was no way for me to show it to anyone or tell anyone about it. It was meant only for me, in that moment.

It's a hard thing, to see something so beautiful and not be able to share it. I long to know that someone else was looking outside at that very moment, realizing what was going on around them and appreciating it like I was. Just knowing someone else was in that moment would make it seem... less lonely. But as much as it's a good thing to wish for, it's not something that can be forced. Hope springs eternal, and I'm always optimistic that one day I'll be there with someone, able to say to them all I have here. Except they will be seeing it in the sky as I talk, and know in their heart what they're hearing with their ears. Someday it will happen, and it's one of those things I believe for no reason at all, but couldn't lose faith in if I tried.

Tonight was orange-tinted clouds rushing past a church steeple, with stars peeking out between them and wind brushing the tops of the highest trees.

happiness and Hope

Posted by james on April 7, 2002

<span style="color:gray"><a href="../music/playlist-dashboard_hands_down.m3u">Hands Down</a>, Dashboard Confessional. And I almost believe she did mean it.</span>

My friends are my sanity. They really are what has kept me sane, relatively emotional stable, and still alive. Recently I've started to examine my life for the past couple of years, and I've realized a few things. First is that I have been depressed. I usually think of myself as a pretty stable person. But I know that for all intents and purposes, I've spent large parts of the past couple of years depressed and alone. My friends really have been the saving grace in my life. I remember isolating myself, making sure that I didn't have to come into contact with too many people. I remember making the decision to allow myself to venture out, actually hang out with people and try to smile sometimes and not let sadness creep back into my mind and heart. I remember talking with friends who asked me what they could do; I told them simply to keep trying with me, keep trying to bring me out. And eventually it worked. Little by little, I could spend more time around people, more time happy and less time letting small gray clouds follow me wherever I walked. I look at where I am now, and it's not too bad. I spend a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking and searching for something (I have yet to really figure that out). But I also spend a lot of time thinking about things apart from myself, and hanging out with my friends, and trying to figure out what the next step of my life entails.

I remember in desperation asking God to send me friends. I knew that at the least, I needed that. And they arrived... some under my nose that I'd just not seen before and others that simply started to arrive out of nowhere. But they really are my sanity.

Now I can look at my life, and be grateful for what I have. Not just grateful for my breaths every morning, my darkened eyes after I've slept for only 3 hours, or the hours I spend alone every night thinking about lonely things. But also I'm grateful for all the things that I've been given as gifts. I have so many things that I enjoy, and more importantly things that make me happy. My house and the community it has fostered, my friends and the things we do together, the things in my life that I'm finally starting to get better at, my hobbies, the people that I've come to care about to the point where I don't know what I'm going to do when I no longer see them every day. I've also found hope, and it keeps me going from day to day.

My friends... for better or for worse, I always seem to have this near-paternal feeling towards some friends. It's not that I think I'm more grownup; not even close. But for some reason I feel like a big brother somtimes. It's just a feeling I get. But it's strange to think about moving away and feel my heart cringe at the thought of not seeing them grow up. What a strange feeling! But I know I really will miss my friends.

So many things have come into my life, such simple things. I looked at my alarm clock the other day, and it made me smile. I have the clock my mother gave me long ago, but it wasn't all that I needed. So one day I went out and bought another one, exactly what I wanted and what I needed. And it's been part of the reason why I've been to so many classes this semester (that, and Abe's help). It it was a small sign that I've been growing up, becoming more responsible. Certain people in my life have been waiting years for any sort of sign in that direction from me. It's spring, which makes me happy. My house is always full, always alive with people of all different sorts, and there's constantly more people finding out how they can be served by us and by what we provide. The romantic side of my heart has also gotten some excercise, even if it was perhaps all in vain.

So many gifts for me that make me happy. Not that anyone else could understand this secret code that is meant for me alone to understand. These gifts are for me, but also this message is mine alone. I've heard it, and can do nothing be feel grateful.

The best thing happened this morning... I was asleep late in my bed, as a result of staying up late last night. And I was waken up in the best possible way; people ran into my room and jumped on my bed, and wanted me to get up and play. I can't remember how many nights I've lain in bed, falling asleep, wishing that I knew someone would be there to wake me up in the morning, bursting with energy to start a new day. It almost makes falling asleep worthwhile.

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