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-James

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Morning in the DR

Posted by james on June 27, 2002

<i>Isolation. see synonyms for solitude.
solitude: the state or quality of being alone or remote from others; a lonely or secluded place</i>

These words are apt to describe the way I cope. I am an internal processer, someone who prefers to figure things out by myself, alone. I spend my hours late at night after everyone else has gone to bed, wasting time, playing, writing and creating. This is when I think through things, figure out the reasons behind everything.

What I miss the most from the Dominican Republic is feeling a sense of Purpose. For school I used to wake up every day and question why I was going to class. Unfortunately, I'm also a lazy person so this resulted in me deciding not to go to class pretty often. But it's not just a single question I ask myself in the morning, whether or not to get out of bed; it's also an underlying feeling that starts to permeate my life. Without feeling a sense of purpose, I get easily distracted and lose motivation. And recently I've discovered that the future beyond where all my plans have reached thus far is approaching quickly, and I don't see the next stone, the next place to put my foot. I don't know what my purpose is.

When I wake up in a small metal bunk-bed with the missing springs and sagging mattress, I know why I'm waking up. When I set my alarm and pray that it will wake me up in the morning, I know why. When I pack lunches of things that I never though I'd like, work until all I want to do is lay still and waste the days, and go to bed before the sun has come up the next morning, I know why I do these things. And coming back to Rhode Island is coming back to an open-ended future with no foreseeable goal or purpose. It's hard to leave all that behind.

Someone once described re-entry as a mourning-type of process. At the time I didn't believe them, but now I'm starting to suspect it's true. It fades as I become accustomed to my life here, but everyonce in a while I still feel a pang of loneliness, and the need to detach from my life here and go somewhere to think about things. To isolate myself and spend time processing the feelings I have and why. And to think about the bigger question that follows; what am I supposed to do now?

Back from the DR

Posted by james on June 22, 2002

I got back last weekend from my second Dominican Republic trip. I stayed twice as long as I originally intended, for 4 weeks total.

Being there is amazing, and after even such a short time I know I've seen so many things, and so many experiences are stuck inside of me. I can't yet express them all or even remember and comprehend everything that happened. But I do feel that some things have changed. I don't know what... my outlook on life, my motivation for doing things, feeling a sense of purpose. But it has, and it's a strange feeling.

Coming back home has been hard. "Re-entry" is always talked about, but feeling it first hand is different and confusing. There is a sense of loneliness and awkwardness at first, and it is slowly fading. But more than anything, it's hard to determine the reasons why these feelings exist, and it's hard to express them. All in time, but for now I'm left with part of me wishing I was there in the Dominican Republic, and the other part trying to fit into my old life here. And in the middle is confusion and a little isolation.

Songs

Posted by james on April 21, 2002

Cause it ryhmes or cause it's true?


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