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Good vs. Evil (Context of a single life)

Posted by james on June 15, 2001

I feel like there's some kind of struggle in my life. There's a way that it seems like there are two different directions my life can take, and I get pulled between the two. Like there's a good and bad way to live my life, and I'm constantly choosing between the two.

It reminds me of books I've read. In one book, there is a little kid who's smart and ... special? Knowing. And he's dying from some sickness that no one can tell. It's because the inner elements that make up his (soul?) are at war, and the disunity brings him down. There then ensues an effort from his sister to shift the struggle towards good; she does, and he recovers. It's a rather horrible abstract of a wonderful book, but it will do.

I feel like the small things that make up my life have similiar effect. I'm accustomed to big things affecting me in big ways, either good or bad. But lately I've noticed that there's all these little choices I make, and they all seem to be adding towards either helping or hindering me. I get the feeling they've always been there, and the only change has been me being more aware of them.

Another thing that ties into this is the idea of a person's goals. I talked a while ago to some friends at a really nice university. One's in pre-med, looking into med school and taking MCATS, the other is comp-sci, deciding which high paying computer job he should go into. Both are heading towards success (American definition) and seem to be on their way towards their goal. It became aware to me that the goal they were searching for really doesn't appeal to me. I do plan to find a good job at some point, but it's not important enough to strive for so much. It also made me think about the efforts we put towards what we want.

They want good jobs. They want to be successful in their career. Therefore they work towards those goals with determination. And you can see it... they work hard at school, research which places to go and what to study, and do whatever else they can. All this isn't to say that they don't also strive for other good things, or that it isn't a worthwhile endeavor. I'm pointing out the connection between what we want, and how we work towards it.

It only became something new to me when I realized that my goals are very different from theirs. Usually I just chalk it up to my laziness... it's a good mask for many things. But this time it isn't just laziness that keeps me from striving for a good job and successful career out in corporate america; it's just not as important a goal to me anymore. My goals have changed, even more so recently, and I find that the changes in me cause the old goals to have a strange tint to them. In a year when I'm out of college this might all change, and I might find myself in their shoes. But meanwhile, my concerns focus down to the present: to all the little things that struggle to bring me closer to a good or bad life; and towards some other future than simply going into work. Something in Latin America, perhaps? There isn't enough time or prayer between now and then to know yet.

This entry probably isn't as transparent as others have been. Other entries have been for a general audience to understand; simple ideas, succinct. This is more of a half-processed thought that has escaped from my mind. The late night has worn down the parts of my good judgement that usually hold these kind of things inside my head.

<font size="-2"><i>And, there's nothing better than a good thesaurus</i></font>

Girls Suck

Posted by james on June 12, 2001

I have not forgotten about the DR rants. They're coming. In the meantime I'm strugling to stay afloat in some personal way, and that keeps me busy.

I found an amazing site. It's called "Girls Suck." And the guy there is so much more web-worthy than me. But this one struck me in particular:

<a href="http://girls-suck.diaryland.com/longdistance.html">long distance</a>

It's strange. It's completely not the site to get advice about girls at. But still... the things on that list, I think I've been looking for for a while. For.

I don't know why I'm sharing this... maybe it's only meant for me...

People who start words with contradictions (sans pictures)

Posted by james on June 3, 2001

The pictures are gone. A friend called me on it and I realized that while they add to the rants, they aren't right. So they're gone.

The thoughts from the DR are still stewing in my mind, but it's not time to write those out yet. So for now, I'll write on a few less significant thoughts that otherwise will soon be lost from my mind.

One thing I was thinking about lately was people who start their words with contradictions. The phrase that sparked my thought was "I don't want to break the mood, but..." Now here's a contradiction; the speaker does not want to break the mood but still wants to say the following thing that he knows (or believes) will break the mood. The only way this isn't a contradiction is if he actually has to say thing that follows. What he's implying is "I don't want to break the mood, but I have to (am forced to) say this: ..." Then it makes sense. But usually the thing that he says really doesn't need to be said. So it becomes a cheat. People use the phrase to couch the effects of what they're about to say. They might be breaking the mood and ruining something, but in our minds (as listeners) we'll forgive... after all, he apologized beforehand. But in reality, if I (as a speaker) really didn't want to break the mood, I simply wouldn't say whatever it was I had planned to. Whatever I had to say could wait. If I had something that absolutely had to be said, then it'd be an appropriate time for me to say "I don't want to break the mood but..."

I guess what I'm trying to point out is how the phrase is abused, and consequently loses it's meaning. Sometimes I wouldn't mind what the person is going to say and the phrase passes by me. But the time I heard it used last was when I was in a sunday morning church service. I was out of my element, but I was trying to pray and commune with God and it was at the end of the service. And right in the middle of that, the person on the mic said those words... "I don't want to ruin the mood, but..." and proceeded to try to sell something. Literally. It wasn't as evil as trying to sell pardons for sins, or doves for sacrifice, but all the same it was a little distasteful. And that's when the thought stuck in my mind; if he really didn't want to break the mood, he shouldn't have talked for five minutes about the thing he's trying to sell. It really didn't need to be said (it could have waited until after). So the truth... "I regret ruining the mood, but I think the importance of what I have to say justifies the disruption this will cause..." And I don't think he would have said that, because put as plainly as that not many people would continue talking.

So that's where I'm at. Not a literal meaning nazi... I don't need people to always use the exact phrases they mean and never say something that isn't completely, literally true. But I would like that people realize the true nature of what they're doing (saying), and not allow couch phrases to justify in their minds things that otherwise (with a little thought) they wouldn't feel were justified.

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