(no title)

Posted by james on May 9, 2001

I don't use this word often, and I've tried not to. But it just seems the only word to use...

I suck at keeping friendships. I just spent an evening (morning?) with a good friend until 6 in the morning, and all I'm left with is the feeling that I really enjoy this, so why do I never call her? Why do I always wait until people ask me to hang out before I do anything? A bunch of people around me having been asking themselves the same question (about me), and some have been asking me.

I heard an idea at some meeting or other, proposed by someone who moved around a lot their whole life. If you never spend much time in any area you learn how to make friends quickly, but you don't get the chance to work on keeping friends. It seems to make sense, the similarities are there. .. but it seems like a cop-out for me.

What do I do? I'm very accepting towards new people, and I want them to feel comfortable. I hang out with people a lot in group situations. I go out with people who want me to go out with them. I don't take a proactive stance and call people to go out, or find ways to see other people. Maybe it's the place I live in.

I live in a house with revolving doors. The doors are always moving, and people are always coming in and out. In the past week there's been someone over until at least 2 am every night. People know this is a place to come to hang out, see other people, do fun stuff. And that's perfect, that was the goal of this house. But that means that I have people around a lot.

And maybe that's what the downfall is of my relationships... they're too convenient. It seems like my friendships should take a turn for the worse if it gets less convenient to see my friends. I should have some kind of motivation to find ways to meet them, because I miss seeing them. But somehow I seem to lack that part of me. Maybe it's broken.

I'm also an introvert. I've asked many people what it means, and have tried to coble together some sort of definition I can understand. And this is what Princeton University thinks it is: "a person who tends to shrink from social contacts and to become preoccupied with their own thoughts." The fact that I'm sitting here at 6:00 am seems to corroborate this. But if I am an introvert, with a tendency to be alone a lot, then I'd find myself overwhelmed by this house. I've got a certain amount of energy for seeking out other people. If there's always people nearby, right in my own home, that I can interact with and see regularly, do I just get lazy about spending the energy to find anyone outside that small group?

I think I do. I think I get satiated in just spending time with people, and forget that I haven't spent time with certain people because I've spend my energy for the day. I've gone out, I've had fun. I've talked to three different people about the rights and wrongs of th world, the state of music today, and why we can't look through dumpsters at night<font color="red">*</font>. Why would I then turn around and look for more people to talk to? I've had my fill for the day, ready to spend a nice few hours at home alone doing whatever I want to... alone.

Or maybe I'm just a forgetful, thoughtless, and lazy person. It's very possible, and everyonce in a while it looks very true. I've been trying, with certain people, to turn this around and make a point of not acting the way I normally do. But I find I'm back at the start... why didn't I call them? Why don't I try to bring them into my world, instead of simply waiting for them to show up in mine?

I still don't know. There are thoughts I haven't put up here, other ways the puzzle pieces that are my actions might fit together. Maybe I'm missing some pieces, maybe I've got others wrong. I don't know yet. But all things told, I'd rather forget about all this physicological crap and simply try to start hanging out with my friends more.

<font size="-1"><i><font color="red">*</font> it's because anything in the dumpster belongs to the dumpster people. And we're actually stealing their stuff by taking trash out. I think if I saw someone walking away from the dump with a candy wrapper I knew had come from my house, and some guy walking away from my house with a candy bar in hand, I'd be more pissed at the second guy. But hey, apparently it's the same offense.</i></font>