Good vs. Evil (Context of a single life)

Posted by james on June 15, 2001

I feel like there's some kind of struggle in my life. There's a way that it seems like there are two different directions my life can take, and I get pulled between the two. Like there's a good and bad way to live my life, and I'm constantly choosing between the two.

It reminds me of books I've read. In one book, there is a little kid who's smart and ... special? Knowing. And he's dying from some sickness that no one can tell. It's because the inner elements that make up his (soul?) are at war, and the disunity brings him down. There then ensues an effort from his sister to shift the struggle towards good; she does, and he recovers. It's a rather horrible abstract of a wonderful book, but it will do.

I feel like the small things that make up my life have similiar effect. I'm accustomed to big things affecting me in big ways, either good or bad. But lately I've noticed that there's all these little choices I make, and they all seem to be adding towards either helping or hindering me. I get the feeling they've always been there, and the only change has been me being more aware of them.

Another thing that ties into this is the idea of a person's goals. I talked a while ago to some friends at a really nice university. One's in pre-med, looking into med school and taking MCATS, the other is comp-sci, deciding which high paying computer job he should go into. Both are heading towards success (American definition) and seem to be on their way towards their goal. It became aware to me that the goal they were searching for really doesn't appeal to me. I do plan to find a good job at some point, but it's not important enough to strive for so much. It also made me think about the efforts we put towards what we want.

They want good jobs. They want to be successful in their career. Therefore they work towards those goals with determination. And you can see it... they work hard at school, research which places to go and what to study, and do whatever else they can. All this isn't to say that they don't also strive for other good things, or that it isn't a worthwhile endeavor. I'm pointing out the connection between what we want, and how we work towards it.

It only became something new to me when I realized that my goals are very different from theirs. Usually I just chalk it up to my laziness... it's a good mask for many things. But this time it isn't just laziness that keeps me from striving for a good job and successful career out in corporate america; it's just not as important a goal to me anymore. My goals have changed, even more so recently, and I find that the changes in me cause the old goals to have a strange tint to them. In a year when I'm out of college this might all change, and I might find myself in their shoes. But meanwhile, my concerns focus down to the present: to all the little things that struggle to bring me closer to a good or bad life; and towards some other future than simply going into work. Something in Latin America, perhaps? There isn't enough time or prayer between now and then to know yet.

This entry probably isn't as transparent as others have been. Other entries have been for a general audience to understand; simple ideas, succinct. This is more of a half-processed thought that has escaped from my mind. The late night has worn down the parts of my good judgement that usually hold these kind of things inside my head.

<font size="-2"><i>And, there's nothing better than a good thesaurus</i></font>