The Wicker Man

Posted by james on April 16, 2007

(post.rating: 1)
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I just watched The Wicker Man. The previews looked like a typical generic "horror" movie (for lack of a better descriptor), nothing special. However, after watching a hilarious <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6i2WRreARo">remix clip</a> on youtube I had to see this movie. My good friend Winton confirmed what Rotten Tomatoes and pretty much everyone else said; this movie was an absolute bomb.

Just... go watch that youtube clip. Almost all of those scenes are continuous clips from the movie, not edited to make it look weirder than it really was. The movie really is that bizarre. The worst part is that you sit through hours of Nicolas Cage screaming "What's going on??" at various people, and then no one answering, and then the movie continues to the next scene. You also see lots of strange things; men who can't talk with deformities, baby fetuses in jars, crows everywhere, bees everywhere. What's does it all mean?? Next paragraph...

I'd have to say that this is the worst "horror" movie (again, a better description may be "annoying butchered American remake fest") I've ever seen. I've seen others that are just laughably, ridiculously bad (Evil Dead 1, Dead Alive, modern B-movie classics like The Relic, etc) but this one just is tops for it's courage. The directors had the audacity to put lots of crazy little things in there to pique the viewers' curiosity (so... Why are there baby fetuses in bottles?), <b>without explaining any of it.</b> Bravo. I'd say it's symbolism and deeper meaning, except that I suspect that it's not. The original British 1973 <i>Wicker Man</i> was supposed to be a modern (1973-era) confrontation of a Christian and Neo-Pagans, with authentic representation of the pagan rituals. The new one? I figure they had 6 year olds watch a few B-movie horror classics, draw with crayon and paper what they thought of it, and then assembled those with dialog for Nicolas Cage. And then told the rest of the cast these instructions:

"Yes, and one more thing... Nicolas Cage has been given lines in this movie, but he has not been told that no one else is actually allowed to speak. If he asks you anything, just avoid answering and keep going until the director yells cut."

And I'm sure Cage still wakes up sweating in his room to this day... "*snort*... The bees! Why is it burned? WHY IS IT WHY IS IT BURNED WHY IS IT BURNED????"

...

Actually, the most interesting thing about this movie (besides "Why in the world did anyone agree to do this movie?") was that the original 1973 protagonist was an adult Christian virgin. They had to change that for Cage's character, as nowadays an adult virgin would be too unbelievable. The funny thing is, an adult virgin in a modern day movie would be unbelievable even to me... and I <b>am</b> an adult virgin. I sometimes think how much of an anomaly I am, and it's funny and sad all at the same time.