whispers and feelings

Posted by james on Feb. 19, 2002

<span style="color:gray;">Just another <a href="../music/playlist-coldplay-yellow.m3u">song...</a></span>

When I was young, I used to stay awake in bed every night. I simply couldn't fall asleep as fast as my sisters or my parents; there were too many things swimming in my head. I would dream about flying, about being a hero, about finding a perfect girl. And there used to be this feeling I would get in that moment when I'm day dreaming (night dreaming?) that was indescribable. I know, because I tried many times to find words to fit it. It was some kind of longing, it was sad and a little lonely, very silent and sacred. It was as if both kinds of dreams, the ones that are your hopes and the ones that you dream at night, were mixed together and found their way into the waking world to touch my mind.

I used to get this feeling when I thought about past situations that I missed. I would remember a field trip or some time I hung out with friends long ago and it would seep into me as if it were something so sweet as to be painful. Other times I would think about the future, knowing I'll have to leave my friends and knowing that much of what we had and shared would dissapear, buried under the sands of time, and again the longing would hit me.

Just now I heard a song that reminded me of a wonderful time. A time that didn't even really seem that important at first... just a road trip to some random place, to hang out with friends; no goal in mind and nothing really to do. But it became a memory so potent that to think about it and be reminded of what it was is to feel my heart start to call out for something unknown.

These feelings arise when there is some kind of loss. Whether it's a loss of something I used to have, or simply knowing that I will lose something, I feel the longing to have that moment back, or to hold onto it forever. Maybe it is my ephemeral heart trying to live in the same world as my immortal soul, and the two of them never quite being able to reconcile leaves me with a feeling that can only be whispered, and never described.