Blue

Posted by james on July 25, 2002

I love the song "Yellow" by Coldplay. It always makes me feel a certain way, think of certain things...

One day, back in high school, I was standing in the TV room of my family's house in front of a very frustrated father. It was mid-term time, and again I'd gotten myself into a mess. I wasn't doing so well in classes and it was because of simple things. I just hadn't done my work, even though it was so easy to do. And my father just couldn't understand why I wouldn't do the simplest things to help myself out. I remember him asking me, "Don't you care?"

I'd almost answered, "Of Course," when instead I paused and thought about it. And I realized something; that I really didn't care. I didn't care at all about school or doing well, and that was the thing that crippled me. If I was going to improve at all, I knew I had to figure out a way to motivate myself. Since then, motivation has been such a big deal in my life. I know that without knowing why I'm doing something, I find it very hard to do it well.

So now I'm in an interesting position in life; college is gone, jobs loom ahead, and I don't know where I fit. I miss the Dominican Republic so much because I knew why I woke up every day. Now, I don't. I can set myself goals; today I will get a new car battery. Tomorrow, I will find my guitar and play my songs. But where am I going? People around me are heading off to the goals and plans they've set, jobs and new states, weddings and missions. I have opportunities, but no direction, and it is a confusing place to be. I know where I would like to go, yet there are good reasons for staying here, so I figure there must be some other good reason I'm still here; some overall purpose that makes being here worthwhile. But somehow, it feels like I still don't know what that is.

So for now, I'll take these simple, single steps. I don't accomplish things very quickly (as anyone will tell you), but if I take one or two steps a day eventually I'll get somewhere. For now, I'll walk with my head down and a blue stone in my hand, and my eyes on the one or two steps in front of me that I can see. And I'll try not to fret too much about the others that I can't.